Friday, May 20, 2016

Sexual assault at BYU: My own story

In 1997, during my last year at Brigham Young University (BYU), I was raped just off campus by a stranger who approached me and asked for the time. He said he had a knife, and I did not resist the attack. I was frozen with fear. I didn't kick or bite or try to run away. I couldn't scream; I couldn't make even one sound of protest. For years, I would replay the attack over and over in my mind, trying to imagine a different outcome, trying to imagine myself fighting off the rapist. Even in my imagination, I could never escape from the rape. I couldn't make myself fight hard enough.

I was a young, devout Mormon woman with no prior sexual experience, and the rape left me with overwhelming guilt and shame. Self-blame was accompanied by a lingering feeling that I had lost some important part of myself, something that I wasn't sure I could ever regain. I had the sense that everything in my world was somehow tainted and dirty. For months, I hated my sexual organs, so horrified was I by what had happened to them and to me.

But here is the part of the story that I remember with gratitude: When I reported the rape, everybody believed me. Every single person. And nobody blamed me. Nobody asked me why I stopped to talk to a strange man on a dark street. Nobody wondered why I didn't scream or run when I had the chance. When I apologized, sobbing, to the police officer on duty for being stupid enough to walk home alone in the dark, his response was emphatic: "You had every right to walk down that street, " he said. "This wasn't your fault." When I asked my bishop whether God would forgive me, he told me as many times as I needed to hear it that there was nothing to forgive. When I asked my roommates whether they were disappointed in me, they told me that they were angry. Not at me, but at the rapist.

So many people during those first few hours and days were there to give me the support I needed: the group of young men—strangers to me—who called the police for me when I burst into their house after the attack, the detectives who questioned me, the doctors and nurse who examined me, my bishop who showed up to give me a priesthood blessing, my roommates who took me home, the dean of students who called me the next day to tell me how sorry she was that this had happened, the family members who loved me fiercely and protectively, the BYU psychologist who provided counseling services. It felt like I was being wrapped in successive layers of healing love by everyone I came into contact with. During the long months ahead, as I worked through my own trauma and shame, I knew that I could lean on people around me—people who saw me as worthy of respect and love, even when I couldn't respect or love myself.

Every survivor needs this kind of support. Rape victims should not have to prove that they are perfect rule-followers in order to get the help that they need. They shouldn't have to prove that they struggled and fought. And though this should be obvious to everyone, it's worth saying again: Rape victims who know their attacker should be treated with as much respect as victims of strangers. Date rape should outrage us as much as, if not more than, the less-common stranger-in-a-dark-alley scenario.

Reading the stories in the last few weeks of sexual assault victims who were treated poorly at BYU has been painfully eye-opening. It horrifies me that, while I was believed and supported, others have been blamed and censured because of suspected Honor Code infractions. Being raped was bad enough. I do not know how I would have survived had I also been shamed and punished.

I plead with university administrators to make reasonable changes in the university's policies and practices: Please do not punish victims of sexual assault for Honor Code violations that come to light over the course of the investigation of the assault. This puts victims in a terrible position, forcing them to choose between putting their academic career in jeopardy and letting their assailant go free. Please do not make policing Honor Code violations a higher priority than finding and prosecuting rapists.

Please do not add to victims' trauma by opening up an investigation into their behavior. Please give them the supporting services that they need to heal. Please let all students know that they are safe to report sexual assault.

Finally, please consider issuing an apology for the harm already done to students. As administrators of a university that affirms the Gospel of Christ, you have an opportunity to teach us all a lesson in humility and self-reflection. To this end, the newly-formed sexual assault advisory council and the website asking for feedback from the BYU community are wonderful first steps. Admissions of error will not make the university look weak or foolish. Rather, they have the potential to be a beautiful testament to the power of redemption and our universal need for grace.

Three weeks after publishing this post, I wrote a follow-up piece. You may read it here.

14 comments:

  1. Tears. I haven't anything else but tears. My heart is broken for you but at the same time you are able to lift my heart with the compassion you were shown. How great God is that he can use something so horrible to bring about comfort for others. You are so strong to share this. I hope and pray your words bring about change and can help others.

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  3. Well said. Very well said. Thank you for posting this. I hope it opens someone's eyes. That is needed.

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  4. You are so amazing. I am humbled by your strength and grace. Thank you for telling your story. I so agree with your advice to BYU and those in charge. Beautifully said!
    Brenda

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  5. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Your story is so important. I hope BYU improves their policy. Blessings.

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  6. Genevieve,
    I still remember this vividly, and can't help but feel sorrow for your pain, especially knowing this happened to someone I cared about and someone so innocent. I have thought over what is the best way forward for BYU in this, and knowing your thoughts is a tremendous help.
    I hope you can one day feel completely at peace over what happened.

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    1. Dear Jared, thank you for those kind thoughts. I do feel completely at peace now.

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  7. This Truly Travesty at at a high level for you, I hope that you know Heavenly Father, His Son Jesus Christ and The Holy Ghost will always guide you and Comfort you Remember What Alma Says: We must bare one another burden, Comfort those that Stand in need of Comfort, and Morn For Those that are in Morning, God Bless You Child and May God Comfort you always.

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  8. This is so brave. Thank you for sharing.

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  9. Thank you for sharing this. I am glad beyond words that you got support on every side; so often we hear of people who don't. I hope you are forwarding this to the administrators at BYU; they need to see what a difference it can make to someone to be treated with the dignity and compassion they deserve under such a horrific circumstance. My heart is full for you.--Julie Winters

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    1. That means so much to me, Julie. Thank you.

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  10. Thank you for sharing this. I hope I don't increase your hurt by saying that reading your story above made me extremely jealous. I'm not trying to discount your pain because it's all horrific, I'm just obsessed with my own right now! I'm glad that as life post-rape goes, your reporting and being supported went as well as it could go. I started a blog about my own sexual abuse experience. I haven't been able to find any Mormon survivor's blogs about it, I don't know what happened to google when I was typing it in. But thank you for sharing your story! my blog is www.cordeliashappilyeverafter.blogspot.com

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    1. I am so sorry about the horrific rapes that you have experienced and the pain that you still live with. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope that you will find ever more peace.

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